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74 People Share Their Stories About The Trashiest Weddings They’ve Been To

You quickly learn that fairytale weddings aren’t always the norm: some are disasters of epic proportions. Disasters that you can’t stop reading about. The post 74 People Share Their Stories About The Trashiest Weddings They've Been To first appeared on Bored Panda. ...

I don’t know about you, Pandas, but all the weddings I’ve been to have been truly magical and magnificent. Of course, some minor mishaps are unavoidable, but overall, they were great experiences that I’d happily revisit in real-life, not just photos. If you go on the internet, however, you quickly learn that fairytale weddings aren’t always the norm: some are disasters of epic proportions. Disasters that you can’t stop reading about.

Unfortunately, it’s not all classy receptions, coordinated dress codes, and bright smiles everywhere, as the redditors in this viral thread showed. They spoke about some of the worst and ‘trashiest’ celebrations of love they’d ever witnessed. And it just goes to show once again that fact can truly be stranger than fiction.

Scroll down to read about some of the strangest weddings that will make you go, “Wait, what?!” As you’re reading, don’t forget to upvote the ones that made your jaws drop, Pandas. And if you’re in the mood for some more examples of what people should never ever do at weddings, check out Bored Panda’s earlier article right here.

#1

I got this…. Our nannies best friend was getting married and my wife and I were invited because we had given that couple a bed and breakfast gift certificate we were not going to use, and they thought we should be at their wedding as a thank you…. ok,,,,,,So the day come and we are sitting in a field on a farm on the hottest day of the year(high 90’s)..The bride is going to be transported from the house to the altar by horse drawn carriage for about 2000ft away on a graded slanted dirt road. The signal for the carriage to head over is someone unbenounced to us standing behind the seated guests and they proceed to blast a 12gauge stogun as the all go. Horse rears up and freaks out. handler tryiing to regain control and horse collapses. 10 minutes of whats going on we find out horse has heat stroke and cannot pull carriage. SO, instead of forgoing the carriage, the brides dad walks down to the wedding guest and asks for volunteers to help pull the carriage down to the altar. My wife nudges me and I say ” there is no way I am sticking my toe in that pool of dumb. about 6 people volunter including one midget. So they all get in place and start to pull the carriage and as gravity and common sense come into play, the downgraded hill starts to make the carriage uncontrollable and the people start trying to control the speed and within 45 seconds 6 guys are holding on for dear life running a full sprint just not to get run over if they let go. As they are almost in a full sprint cartoon style where their legs were going a hundered mph but the cart was going faster. The midget at this point is not even touching the ground but his legs were still in running motion.( I will never forget that visual) The carriage comes flying down the road and incredibly rolls by the grooves on the dirt road right into the hay field and stops about 20 feet from the altar. It was quite literally the funniest thing I had ever seen. Then to put the icing on the cake the reception was a non alcoholic event as grooms family was super religious and it was a pot luck dinner(????). WE paid for their cake as our contribution for the pot luck. My wife being the saint she is spent $600 on that thing and the groom pushed the brides face into it like an 8th grader giving a 6th grader a swirly in a bathroom stall and destroyed the whole thing. not one piece was served…..oh but how a store brand cola can hit the spot unlike a nice 7and7 on a hot summers day….total s**t show

Image credits: I-use-to-be-cool

#2

Probably my own.

We had planned a lovely wedding, but when it came time to actually put plans into motion I realized there was no way in hell my family and his family needed to be within several miles of each other, much less the same venue.

We decided we’d get married, just the two of us and the gentleman responsible for the paperwork. Planned a lovely little picnic type event (our minister was a dear friend, we told him to bring his wife and we’d treat them to lunch afterwards) at a local duck pond that has a pretty gazebo we could use.

The morning of, and we apparently stepped into monsoon season. 20% chance of rain in the forecast had turned to 16 inches of rain overnight, with more on the way. We almost couldn’t leave our house because the water was so high. I call friend and tell him to scratch the duck pond idea, can he just meet us in town so nobody gets washed away?

Well, we also run a farm so the easiest common ground that we all knew how to get there was the local feed store. Hubby and I arrive early, go inside and buy the feed we needed. As we come out, friend arrives and helps hubby load feed into the back of our truck. Still pouring rain. I hear something and see a four or five week old kitten about to get washed into a storm drain so I grab it, wrap it in my jacket, and place it in the passenger seat of our truck before climbing into friend’s Honda Element. We say our vows, sitting in the backseat, soaking wet and covered in hay and mud, and go our separate ways afterwards. Hubby learns we have a new cat.

It was a clusterf**k from beginning to end, but somehow it was perfect and we have a hell of a story to tell our son someday.

Tl;dr: Got married in a flooded Tractor Supply parking lot after loading feed and rescuing a cat.

Image credits: KGRanch

#3

The best man screwed the groom’s mother between the meal and the dancing. The groom finds out and punches the best man, breaking his hand. The best man drives away and gets stopped by the police for drunk driving.

Being a wedding photographer is awesome.

Image credits: ooohcoffee

Very recently, I spoke to Anna and Sarah from The Wedding Society about how to handle family disputes and bride requests that cross boundaries.

According to them, if the happy couple and their relatives get into arguments in the time leading up to the wedding, everyone needs to take a step back and think about what’s most important.

“Family disputes really require the work of everyone involved to remember the bigger picture and work towards a higher goal, and also to remember their love for each other above everything else,” they told Bored Panda. Family. Love. Togetherness. These are what’s important in the long run.

#4

Mine.

We had a baby on the way so changed our plans to save money. We had a registry do in the center of town. Our ceremony was delayed when there was a suicide scare in the building with some dude from another party out on the window ledge.

Afterwards we literally walked 200m up the road to the pub, bought everyone a round of drinks. Then we walked across town to a nice restaurant we had booked. We didn’t ask for gifts, only asked that people pay for their meal. We bought another round of drinks in the restaurant.

The wedding cake was in the only corner of the restaurant where there was room, so I had to squeeze in behind her for the obligatory cake cutting pictures. All the pictures look like I am bending her over the table and giving her a good seeing to. My parents were dismayed. I thought it was hilarious.

After the meal we walked a little further to a church that had been converted into a night club. I had my first dance with my wife to some Britney Spears Techno mash-up. People kept buying me whiskey.

I had to carry my exhausted wife, wedding dress and all, piggy-back style to the nearest taxi rank to go home. Her shoes had mangled her feet.

Do you know what? I’d do it the same way again. It was a fantastic day, and I was able to take the full two weeks off work when the baby arrived without worrying about money.

Image credits: ExxInferis

#5

Rich french people where we didn’t know anyone and despite costing major coin, there were two tiers of invitees. Those that got orange juice peanuts for snack food and those that got the real [stuff], like champagne and finger sandwiches. The cocktail party was literally on two sides of a courtyard and people who didn’t get the champagne had to stay to one side.

Image credits: GBWI

#6

I was at a wedding in Germany once, and the bride asked for a divorce during the reception.

Image credits: wickedlizerd

The Wedding Society explained that others might consider some of the expectations that marrying couples have to be strange.

“It’s their day and they’re allowed to be a little more particular than those around them. Just try to understand how long some people have been envisioning their day and remember that some particulars really mean more to them than might seem normal to you,” they said.

#7

Mine. My husband and I started planning a wedding (2nd for both of us) and realized 1) we didn’t want our families anywhere near each other and 2) we could either have a big wedding, or a down-payment on a house. We picked the house and decided to fly to Vegas for the wedding. My one condition I put on getting married in Vegas when he suggested it was that I got to make it look as much like a drunk mistake as possible. I wore a yellow backless dress with rhinestones, and he had a white suit with a Hawaiian shirt to match my dress. We were married at 11 pm on Friday the 13th by an Elvis, with a Dog the Bounty Hunter impersonator and black drag queen in attendance. She cried because we looked so happy. Also there were 8 or 10 drunk Oklahomans (all in odd wedding veils, Groucho Marx glasses, or strange hats) who wanted to see a “real Vegas wedding” and just walked in and sat down. Elvis had to restart the band (his ipod) three times during my trip down the aisle because it kept cutting out. We wrote our own vows, and referred to each other as “f**kface” during the ceremony. We had an amazing time, the photos are killer, and we’re still happily wed. 10/10 would do again.

Image credits: CatPawSoup

#8

When my cousin got married to his pregnant girlfriend, her father carried a shotgun when he walked her down the aisle.

Image credits: JackFunk

#9

Went to a wedding that my wife and I said will not last more than two years. The wedding was in the backyard of the brides house. They had all the chairs and wedding “arch” setup outside. They setup a plastic tarp running down the aisle to walk on. Just before the wedding starts, there are darking clouds appearing. Should have been a sign to move the wedding inside, but they invited too many people to the damn thing.
Just as they start the wedding, it begins to rain lightly. The father of the bride is walking the bride down the lane and slips on the wet tarp, and falls on his ass. Bride is now at the front, raining harder. People start to cover up with whatever they have. Some people start to get up too. Bride turns around and says to all, THIS IS MY WEDDING, NO ONE IS GOING TO RUIN IT, YOU BETTER ALL F**KING SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN!
We all sit back down and the wedding resumes. It is now raining pretty good. The grass is now turning into mud. A few ladies in the crowd and the bridesmaids makeup is now running down the faces. My wife has taken my jacket as a cover from the rain. They finish the vows and kiss, and then everyone runs to the house and garage to get out of the rain. Oh, remember how I said the grass was now mud? Yea, lots of people slipped and fell in the mud on the way to the house.
We got to the house, many people look terrible from the runing makeup, muddy clothing, and soaking wet. A few of the women had to cover their chests and waists due to wet clothing becoming see-thru. Most of the men were loaning their coats to the ladies to cover up. Dirty looks all around.
The wedding cake was outside, and now brought in. The rain made the decorations on the cake turn all runny and it looks horrible. The bride and groom began to cut the cake and feed each other. The smashed the cake pieces into each others faces….then began a food fight with each other. My friends wife got hit in the face with purple icing cake on her face and dress. The priest got hit with and yellow icing on his white robe. There was nothing left of the cake to serve.
Food being served was still frozen in the middle of the food and the stuff that was not frozen, was burned. The desert was supped to be the cake, but as said above, there was nothing left. There was a goody bag that people got on the way out. Had a lollipop, a coupon for ice cream cone at McDonald’s, a pencil with the bride and groom name on it, and Halloween size M&Ms.
My wife, whose dress was filthy, her makeup was out of wack, and her hair was a mess, said to me that she does not want to see those people again for 6 months she was so mad. The couple divorced 11 months later when the groom came home from work and found his wife getting double teamed by two guys.

Image credits: mrsheikh

However, there are clear boundaries when it comes to discrimination. Nobody should bend over backward or rush to do what the couple asks for if they’re clearly trying to exclude someone from the wedding on discriminatory grounds. 

“The line needs to be drawn at discrimination. It is never okay, no matter the occasion or circumstance, to discriminate against anyone of any race, age, color, gender, or ability. If that occurs, a kind, honest and firm discussion needs to take place in order to stand up for the person or people being discriminated against,” they told Bored Panda.

#10

Hulk Hogan Themed Wedding
Nuff said.

Image credits: joshdrumsforfun

#11

Wasn’t trashy, but I’m Australian and I married an Italian. Our venue offered open bar including spirits here in Italy. You can’t really get that in AUS without paying a arm and a leg and there is a reason why. They were not prepared for the Australians. My small army of 20 or so friends drunk the equivalent of +300 people. The venue ran out and the guy who organised it reckons he made a loss.

Until that day all the Italians thought I was the looses c*** they had seen, then they learnt I am the quiet one of the group.

Image credits: Aus_in_Ita

#12

Some hippie friends of my parents got married when I was about 14, and it was a location wedding at some earthy little mountain getaway in Tennessee. Only it was outside and in mid August, and in Tennessee that’s like…90 degree, full humidity weather. But that’s okay. Since it was so hot they decided to do it barefoot in a creek. Well they had a cage of butterflies to release during the kiss, but as it turns out, they had all died because of the heat! When the big moment came, someone opened the cage dramatically to let them free and like two half dead butterflies stumbled out and the rest were shriveled and dead inside. The hippie bride screamed in horror.

Image credits: ScottGreen1

#13

I once helped cater a hunting themed wedding, complete with camo print dress and tuxedos.

Image credits: BlindWillieJohnson

#14

Got a “faxed” wedding invitation at my office to attend a cousins wedding. It said: BYOF-(Bring your own food) and a lawn chair. Cash Gifts only.

We laughed for days on what food to bring- a two piece chicken dinner or a personal pan pizza. Alas, I found myself without a suitable lawn chair and could not attend the festivities.

Image credits: Trixieledet

#15

My aunt married her third husband in Waffle House in Atlanta Georgia. They chose the booth where Kid Rock was once arrested.

Image credits: daria420

#16

My cousin who, let’s say, isn’t playing with a full deck and thought that she had hired a caterer because she sat at a bar one night and said to this lady “you should do the food for my wedding”. Waited until about an hour after the food should have logically arrived before starting to make some phone calls, only to find out that the “caterer” was on vacation in Costa Rica and had no idea that the bride thought she was doing food for the wedding. Dominoes to the rescue about 2 hours later. But the reception being at a bowling ally with a keg in the middle of the dance floor was completely planned.

Image credits: Syble_Gable

#17

The groom showed up in a Hooters T-shirt. Turns out they had actually been divorced for 6 months at the time of the ceremony. The bride celebrated her honeymoon by checking herself into a mental hospital the day after the ceremony.

Image credits: [deleted]

#18

Worked at a very high-end golf club in Seattle that regularly hosted expensive weddings. This Samoan wedding is probably my favorite:

-All the groomsmen were wearing lime green vests with matching lime green snapbacks

-The wedding party must order food from the restaurant at the golf club, as stated in the contract. They order Dominoes instead and the pizza guy literally brings these people pizza as they sit in a fancy restaurant.

-The bride and groom groom got into a fistfight right before the ceremony, delaying it a bit until bruises could be covered with makeup

-They hired a live band to play at the reception, but didn’t feed them. During their first break, the lead singer decides to zoom down the hill to grab some McDonalds for the crew. He is pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. His one call from jail: “I can’t play at your wedding anymore, I’m in jail.”

Image credits: pharmaSEEE

#19

A few weeks before the wedding, the groom posts to facebook about how he’s never getting married. A week before the ceremony, the groom disappears. After a couple days with no contact, the bride cancels the catering and the hall.

The day before the wedding, the groom shows up and and agrees to get married. With everything canceled, they decide to hold an outdoor wedding in a local park, and have everyone over at their house for KFC.

The groom was late to the ceremony, leading most people to think he bailed at the last minute. When he arrived, the bride chewed him out while she “hid” behind some bushes so he wouldn’t see her. The officiant was an old man in a trucker hat who “sang” the ceremony.

The reception is in their backyard, and a bring your own chair affair. The problem with that is that they took possession of the house the day before the ceremony and literally didn’t have time to clean the house (and most importantly the bathroom) from the horrific state the previous owners left it in. My wife used the bathroom at the gas station down the road; that’s how bad it was.

All told, I can’t blame the bride for throwing together a wedding in a day. However, no one was all that surprised to learn their marriage lasted 3 weeks.

Image credits: cgrd

#20

The Groom is a plumber. The flowers the men wore on their lapels were mini toilets with flowers in them. The centerpieces were plungers. No, I’m not making this up.

Image credits: Whatsamattahere

#21

I was invited to a wedding where the bride had met her fiancee online and NEVER IN REAL LIFE. The first time that they would ever see each other was meant to be at the alter at their wedding. Not surprisingly, the dude never showed up. No one seemed that phased by it though. They were pretty much like, “Oh yeah bummer, his flight got cancelled. We’ll just proceed to the reception!”

Weirdest thing ever. They’re still “dating” last I heard.

Image credits: pm_ur_______________

#22

My grandmother in-law went to a giraffe themed wedding for a guy with 3 baby mamas and an uncountable amount of kids. The bride and bridesmaids were in giraffe print dresses. There was also a giraffe cake and various sized giraffe ornaments scattered about.

Image credits: TheHoliestMacaroni

#23

A friend of mine hired me to play music with him at a ceremony, but as is customary in those situations I didn’t know who was getting married until they showed up. Here’s the backstory.

My wife was working for a corporation and one of her team members was a guy who was happily married to his high school sweetheart and had two young daughters. Another of their coworkers was his best friend, who was single. Let’s call the married guy Phil, his wife Kim, and his BFF Tim. Tim was a short, mousey kind of guy who had trouble getting dates, so Phil and Kim used to bring him along is situations where he’d normally be a third wheel – going sailing, going out to eat at nice restaurants, and so on. Phil didn’t mind ’cause Tim was such a good friend and he felt bad that he was lonely.

So one time Phil is going out of town and he suggests that Kim and Tim keep each other company while he’s gone. Well, that’s exactly what they did, and when Phil got back his high school sweetheart announced that she and Tim were now an item and he was no longer in the picture.

So imagine my surprise when the wedding couple shows up and Tim comes up to say hello to me. The cringiest part of the whole thing was Tim bringing Phil’s daughters up during the wedding vows and talking about how he loved them like his own and how he was going to take care of them, etc. Those poor little girls looked like they wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

Image credits: [deleted]

#24

My mom’s fifth.

It was a bbq grill out. The preacher showed up, shared a beer with the groom, they sat in lawn chairs and insulted minorities for a bit. Groom asked if he could say his vows from said lawn chair. Mom said no.

After the vows we had to make our own food if we were hungry. Groom pulled out his phone and began looking up football scores. My mom sat at the table alone with the cake.

I got the hell out of there.

Image credits: cerem86

#25

I wasn’t going to comment but honestly after reading these comments I realize how truly special my uncle’s redneck wedding was. Some notable things about the redneck wedding:

-To host the wedding in my uncle’s backyard they had to spend about an hour that morning (though the wedding was planned for months) moving rusted out car parts out of the way, and by out of the way I mean from the back yard to the front yard, and then covering them with a tarp. The entire back yard was dotted with massive patches of dead grass now, but nobody seemed to mind.

A yard sale was happening next door simultaneously which many of the guests made purchases at (including myself, $4 lava lamp, couldn’t resist)

The inside of the house was so disastrous none of the adult guests set foot in it. Myself and some of the other younger guests made a game of seeing who could tolerate the stench inside the house longest. Nobody lasted a full minute. There was literally garbage covering every surface with paths cut through the trash for movement. The garbage was so high it reached the bottom of the Christmas tree, which was still up in July.

Predicting the state of the house, one of the guest’s donation to the “pot luck” style wedding dinner was a portapotty. God as my witness, this man arranged to have a portapotty brought in to the bride and groom’s backyard so the other guests wouldn’t have to deal with the filth of the house and nobody objected to that or thought it out of place at all.

Other contributions to the pot luck dinner include weenies n’ beans, slices of bologna with Kraft singles rolled up and stuck with a toothpick as hors d’oeuvres, and two buckets of KFC chicken

Most of the bridesmaids had those sitting-walker things like this , all were morbidly obese, one had an oxygen tank, all were smoking cigarettes.

The grooms all wore their nicest ball caps during the ceremony.

The bride and groom didn’t have a full set of teeth between them

At one point during the ceremony the bride’s brother gave us all a “special surprise” which consisted of him using some sort of explosives to fire tiny plastic weights tied to Canada flag parachutes into the air. When I asked why he did this I was told “they’re Canada flags” at which point all confusion dissipated.

The dinner and reception were held at the local Legion (essentially a bar for old people, specifically veterans, not sure if other nations have something similar)

There were 6 rascal scooters parked outside the legion when I got there

The bartender didn’t pour drinks, he handed patrons a plastic cup with liquor in it and pointed them at the pop dispenser, also putting any change from drink orders directly into his tip jar

Honestly there was a bunch more weird s**t from that wedding, this is just the stuff off the top of my head. I’ve been to some very nice redneck weddings, but this was not one of them.

Image credits: TheAlbinoPython

#26

The couple got married wearing matching Alabama University track suits. The bouquet was red and white roses with beer can tabs and little golden footballs dangling down from ribbons. The bride and groom were not alumni.

#27

Super late to this, but I’m a wedding photographer and this is my calling.

Wedding goes off normally, everyone is super nice. We got to cocktail hour and the groom approached the DJ and I saying “I made a little video for my beautiful wife, please play it after toasts. You can choose to stay or not afterwards.” Which was obviously weird.

Turns out the best man had been having an affair with the bride. The video was from a PI featuring them. Bride ran out, sister followed, best man tried to follow but the grooms dad punched him and knocked him out.

The groom’s family stayed and partied. They were super sweet, and ordered a c**p ton of prints.

#28

It was in a public park, which in itself is not an issue at all. The “reception” was in a small shelter house that was made of cinder brick and was basically a room attached to two bathrooms…. Two public park bathrooms, with all the “atmosphere” you’d expect in such a place.

The wedding was right outside the latrine shelter house, and consisted of the bride’s mother ordering us all (while waving her arms like a maniac conducter) to hum “Here Comes the Bride.”

The reception after was deli sandwiches (again, on its own not an issue), with Boone’s Farm Wine to make toasts. Except if you wanted some, it was $1.

Yeah.

Image credits: wimaine

#29

my sisters. Her husband’s mother wore a track suit to the wedding, the kicker is the track suit looked like it was from the 90’s

Image credits: JohnCasey35

#30

A woman friend needed a date for her sister’s wedding. Chivalry and all, I go with her. I had met the sister and, sorry, but she’s as dumb as a mud puddle. And she is Einstein compared to the groom.

They had written their own vows. Bride goes first. A bunch of spacy, love on a cosmic astral plane stuff that makes no sense at all. It really is a bad version of a 60’s hippy acid trip, no continuity, absolutely weird.

Groom starts his vows. It was basically “I really love you” stuff, not too bad, until the end. His big joke finish was “…until FAT do us part!” It was supposed to be the big laugh. He stood there with a big grin, waiting for the laugh.

Dead. Horrified. Silence.

Bride and groom walk down the aisle, bride’s mascara streaming down her cheeks from crying. Bride’s mother red faced with fury. At the reception the mother gets stupid drunk, bride is going from one person to the next apologizing for everything. Groom is whooping it up, having a good ‘ol time, oblivious to everything. Woman I’m with was deeply embarrassed, then finally had enough drinks in her to start chuckling a little bit.

Image credits: picksandchooses

#31

about ten years ago my brother and his first wife got married at walmart at the register where they had first met two years prior. how romantic!

the ceremony took place at 6am for two reasons: because the store was less busy at that time, but also so that it could be broadcast on the local NBC affiliate’s morning station break during the Today show. because it was on the morning news, we had to sit around and wait for the on-site reporter to tell us we were live and then the ceremony could begin, and they had 3 minutes to get it all done. why? because the chaplain was live at the studio, so they had to interact with him via a closed circuit feed. also they still needed to do the weather and local news.

consequently, the only people in attendance were some of their coworkers already on shift (including her sister, who also was bridegoom complete with blue walmart vest), me (because i was the best man and very much overdressed with a button up shirt), and the bemused reporter doing the live feed.

to wrap up this pretty little picture, they got divorced about a year and a half later when they were on vacation in alaska because they were drinking and heated words were exchanged; he mentioned how she was a terrible mom for allowing her parents raise her daughter as her sister (she had a kid at 14), and as a result of that he had to spend the night locked outside of a cabin in november. apparently that kind of thing makes an already long flight much longer.

#32

I officiated a wedding where the bride wore a too-small white dress that she was spilling out of and did not cover her ass — as in I could see her red thong and that she needed a trim.

The groom wore a black untucked t shirt that still had the folded creases in it from when it was in the packaging and spent the whole ceremony staring at her cleavage.

Both were drinking throughout the ceremony (but not yet seem drunk) and she kept yelling at her kid to stop fidgeting telling him that she’s getting married so that he can have a daddy.

When I ask the “do you take… yadda yadda” he sniffs and nods which does not satisfy the ‘exchange of vows’ legal requirement in my state. I repeat the question and say ‘please say I do’ to which he says ” yeah, uh huh” and continues to ogle his soon-to-be wife’s cleavage. I swear he didn’t look her in the eyes once during the short ceremony.

She was smacking bubblegum throughout my speech on eternal love and their lives were now bound together forever as one.

That’s my trashy wedding.

#33

A tale of two weddings:

A couple weeks apart, attended a “coastal elite” gay wedding, and a “Trumpland” straight wedding in a small farming town.

The straight wedding was a large church wedding. I was one of 3 people wearing a suit, the other two being the groom and his grandfather (groomsmen wore vests). Most people wore jeans. Some even wore printed T-shirts. The “highlight” of the reception was the best man telling crude jokes, the theme of which was marriage sucks, ball-and-chain, etc. That was the ugliest part. (I’ll omit that dinner was served on styrofoam plates because money is not the contrast I am focusing on.) That was the trashiest wedding.

The gay wedding was at a fancy hotel on a cliff over the ocean, picture perfect. But what set it apart wasn’t all show and money. The grooms wrote their own vows, which were deeply romantic and moving and brought people to tears. Especially notable were remarks of the mother of one of the grooms, who was there against the wishes of her very religious husband, boycotting his own son’s wedding.

The contrast spoke volumes about “the sanctity of marriage.”

#34

The bride and groom weren’t actually very interested in each other. He was very wealthy and she needed financial stability, it didn’t matter from who. He needed emotional stability afforded by marriage, it didn’t matter from who. She was (maybe still is) having an affair with someone else, who just so happens to be one of her teachers from high school. He knows and doesn’t care. They got married anyway and it was awkward because only the friends of the couple knew what was actually going on.

Here’s the kicker: The bride specifically requested that the DJ play Panic At The Disco’s “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”.

Image credits: botulizard

#35

It wasn’t trashy because of anything the couple did. But…. …my friend walks down the aisle and the pastor is drunk. So he starts off with “We are here to celebrate the love between Daniel and…. what’s her face.” And it just goes downhill from there. I have never laughed at so many weird references in a ceremony before or after. He talked about not letting her uncle interfere in their sex life and how it was a marriage bed, not a marriage couch or kitchen table…

#36

The Royal Pizza Wedding. A work friend and his gf had been engaged for like 5 years and during that time couldn’t manage to save up $1400 between the two of them to have their dream wedding at a local Medieval Times type place with pizza buffet on a Wednesday morning which they constantly referred to as “The Royal Wedding” without a hint of irony.

Eventually as it began to look like they just may have $1400 together the bride’s father stepped in and said he’d pay for them to do literally anything else. He was against the marriage, but also didn’t want the pizza buffet.

So they plan a wedding in a church neither goes to with the reception at the bride’s dad’s house. Total Bridezilla. I somehow ended up in the bridal party despite the fact that she hated me only because she had literally no other friends. We go to David’s bridal where she screams at the woman working there about how she’s got $100 to spend and they better treat her with some respect. The woman came back with a dress that would be “just right” and was actually like 5 sizes too big. Ultimate passive aggressive move. It was awesome.

So 100 other meltdown later and we’re at the rehearsal dinner at a local discount pizza buffet place because apparently that was a deal breaker. The night is tense as both families clearly think the other is trash (hint: they’re both right!) and as everyone is leaving a full on parking lot brawl erupts between the two families after the bride punches the groom in the face IN FRONT OF THE PRIEST.

Next day I’m sure this thing isn’t happening and am excited for an unexpected free Saturday. Turns out it’s still on. Literally everyone in both families including the bride and groom have black eyes.

Haven’t spoken to any of them since, but have heard the divorce was just as spectacular.

#37

We almost didn’t go to the wedding, as we didn’t care much for the couple, but a lot of our friends were going and figured we could still have fun. I am so glad I went.

Like many receptions, this one began with some drinks, and then some speeches. It turns out the father of the bride had recently began doing stand-up comedy in amateur clubs, and decided a wedding reception was a good place to test his routine. The lighter jokes were centered on masturbation. From there it degraded to talk of s**ting on girls faces, among other things. Now raunchy comedy can be funny for some, but it’s hard to enjoy it over the cries of parents pleading for him to stop while covering their kids ears. This was not an “adult” reception. There were kids everywhere.

The real fun came after the groom got drunk. They played “I’m too sexy” and wanted the groom and groomsmen to put on a show. Most made light of it as expected, but the groom stripped down to his tighty whiteys. The song ended and he was encouraged to get dressed. He grabbed the mic and started screaming that “all you fat f**ks wished you looked as good at his age”. People tried to calm him down with little effect. His little sisters 16 year old friend made a comment that he needs to get his s**t together. He proceeded to grab her hair with both hands and visciously headbutted her. Her nose exploded, and the groom took off.

Apparently he turned himself into the police a few days later. I guess the girl had to have multiple surgeries to fix her face.

#38

The main course was large BBQ trays of mac-n-cheese with hotdog chunks in it. The father of the bride was dressed in a tux but the shirt was a wife-beater. He also started asking random people after the ceremony if they wanted “to get down with some meth.” Placerville, California y’all. Not even once.

#39

It was a lovely wedding except for the Maid of Honor. Pretty as a bridgetroll, she wore a dress several sizes too small (and complained about it). She was too hungover to participate in the pictures that afternoon before the wedding. The wedding ceremony went fine, but the reception was a disaster. Her speech wasn’t planned and she proceeded to get so drunk that someone took her keys. The money she held onto from the dollar dance went “missing.” The icing on the wedding cake was when she slapped the mother of the groom at 1 am when she couldn’t get her keys back to get her drugs from the car. The bride was in tears, the groom was beyond pissed, and the county sheriff arrived. It was an absolute trainwreck for my friends.

#40

Once worked a wedding that ended with two girls getting into a screaming, hair pulling fight over some guy in the middle of the dance floor and the bride flipping on the florescent lights and screaming “We paid $12,000 for this wedding and you go and act all ghetto – GET. THE. F**K. OUT. EVERYBODY!” And then ran out crying.

The husband’s kids from a previous relationship all looked pretty traumatized.

Oh, and their first dance was Crazy Girl. I wish I was kidding.

#41

So I’m a Minister and I was approached by a couple that wasn’t that well off so I donated my services. The day of the wedding arrives and we decide to do it illegally in a state park without a permit. I’m the only person in there that didn’t have multiple, awful tattoos. The bride was late by half an hour. Naturally the groom is stressed waiting on his bride so he produces a joint,takes a hit and offers it to me and the father of the bride. I respectfully decline. The bride arrives and her brothers play “God gave me you” over car speakers. The only problem is that no one thought to actually download the song so they were relying on data,in a state park. Naturally it takes forever for the song to buffer so the bride is standing there awkwardly hand-in-hand with her screaming daughter. To no one’s surprise they were trying to play the song off of YouTube so an ad plays first. The bride walks down the aisle yelling at her daughter to shut up the whole time. I do my part,then the couple recites their vows,and now for the rings. Well, there are no rings. Instead the bride and groom to be decided to get tattooed rings so I had them fist bump while saying in unison “with this ring I thee wed”.

#42

Easily my cousins, it was held in their side yard. Styrofoam stuff for the aisle, she was about half an hour late coming out of the house because they had to deal with some critter, and we had to bring our own lawn chairs to sit in. Ceremony lasted all of 4 minutes and we went home.

Image credits: xeladragn

#43

Can’t really say I attended this wedding, but my buddies and I went to a small gentlemans club (the only one in town) somewhat early in the night, and with us being there earlier than when most ppl go out there were only a couple other small groups besides us. Other than that, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. So we order our drinks, sit down at a table, and 15 or so minutes later in comes in an entire wedding party, groomsman fully dressed in suits, women in skimpy dresses and heels, claiming the row of booths along the back wall. They then proceeded to hold a quick reception, few speeches here and there, a couple round of appetizers and drinks, etc. All this with strippers doing their thing in the background

#44

My wife had been married before, and had the pretty and ‘standard’ style ceremony, so she told me our wedding was entirely up to me. This was her mistake.

So our ceremoney starts out traditionally enough. I have a friend dressed as a priest, giving the most absolutely droll and boring introduction that he can. After two minutes of this, the actual legal officiant in the audience puts on a luchador mask and walks up to the podium. He places the “priest” in a headlock and physically throws him out of the room. He then pulls a smutty comic book out of his pants and proceed to officiate the wedding from it (I had pasted a pre-written script inside).

I pretend to be aghast, while my best man starts playing “I’m Awesome” by Spose. Then I reveal that my suit is a tear away stripper one, and am wearing silk suit pajamas underneath and a This Is What Awesome Looks Like t-shirt.

The scripted ceremony proceeds, with several self-depricating jokes, including the priest asking her “do you take this man to be your husband despite… well… everything?”.

Yea, it was classy as f**k.

Image credits: FeloniusGecko

#45

The best man said in his speech, “Here’s to toddlers and condoms, two things you shouldn’t ever f**k with!”

#46

I attended my ex’s brother’s 2nd wedding, and in the middle of the reception, the families of the bride and groom came yelling into the room that “the bride has been kidnapped, and the only way to get her back is if we can collect $500 from all of you!”

They tried to act like it was some cute game to get honeymoon spending money for the couple….but everyone had already brought their gifts and placed them appropriately on the gift table.

That paired with the fact that the couple “rode off into the sunset” in his bass boat made it hands down the worst wedding I’ve attended.

#47

I marry people as a hobby (I don’t charge, I just accept donations, obviously I’ve done a handful of weird or normal weddings for family, friends, and strangers that those people know). But this particular wedding, the bride and groom had a camo dress and camp tux (respectively) with black trim. And the wedding party’s outfit’s had the reverse scheme, all black with camo trims. Well. They had asked me to dress in camo as well (I grew up in the suburbs of Portland, Or, I didn’t see use for any purchase of camo attire).

Well. I ended up wearing some blue jeans, a pair of hiking boots (they wanted the ceremony in the middle of a field, near an abandoned farm), a hunter’s green shirt, and a cowboy hat from my uncle. They were quite happy with the outfit.

Meanwhile, I got there and found out that the bride-to-be had broke her leg riding a mechanical bull for her bachelorette party and would be on crutches for the whole ceremony. She had someone bring me over to her (pre-ceremony) and politely asked me to cut the ceremony in half, while she was chain smoking more than one cigarette at once.

Unsure of what parts to cut (only my second wedding performance ever) I just started randomly cutting parts that seemed unimportant. Well. The big moment came, and the ceremony begins. And here comes the bride! Riding on the back portion of a John Deere Gator.

Nice people though. Kind of weird.

#48

Friend from high school got married in a local mexican restaurant in one of the private party rooms. Wedding/Reception together in one room, I never had to leave the table. Literally crunching on chips and salsa throughout the vows. In hindsight, trashy but also brilliant.

#49

I’m late to the party, this will get buried, blah blah blah. Here goes.

Groom shows up 2 hours late, s**tfaced obviously. He, the groomsmen, and father of the groom arrive in a tour bus. Part of their late arrival is because groom wanted to take a pic on the side of the interstate with he and his bros all pissing on the bus. Dafuq? Moving on, 150 people RSVPed and over 250 showed up. So there was only seating, food, and drink for 150. When time came for dinner all those who decided to show up last minute just headed on over to the bar and had a liquid meal. Bottles of liquor start appearing and get taken by the staff. That’s normally a no no. The bottles that don’t get taken get smashed on the side of the building. The building is a 130 y/o historic such and such. They don’t like you breaking bottles on the walls there, who would have thought? Father of the bride decided to tell the DJ that the music sucks by giving his equipment a double hulk smash. DJ was doing the wedding as a favor to the bride since they were friends but now his computer was just destroyed so he tells them to get bent and packs up his gear and heads home. About that time the bar has been drained and it’s time for a B-double-E-double-R-U-N. Groom heads to the closest convenience store and fills the bed of his truck with cases of beer. The venue had already cut them off so it didn’t matter what they had to drink they couldn’t do it there. Huge blow out shouting match ensues and most of the guests and the groom leave. There was no photographed exit for the happy couple, just the bride walking down the entryway with a recently unconfiscated bottle of Jack. All of this happen before 7:00 p.m.

#50

In Uganda, they have this thing called ‘ugandan time’. Anything e.g. appointment, even if you’re the one who made it or has to attend it, Ugandans will always be late, at least a few hours.

We attended a Ugandan wedding of a co-worker of my dads, everybody there besides us and this American couple, were Ugandan. The Americans and us came first, the Ugandans all attended the wedding 4 hours after it was made to start.

The bride and groom, the f**king people who made the wedding, came 6 hours later…

#51

Hands down the worst wedding I’ve ever been to. My 20 years older step cousin married a girl from the grade above me in high school that I vaguely knew but wasn’t friends with.

The pastor went on a ten minute sermon in the middle of the wedding ceremony about DIVORCE. This was doubly awkward because there were 9 parents present due to multiple parental divorces on both sides.

The reception was in the basement of a bowling alley where the bride and groom liked to get drunk

They forwent a receiving line after the ceremony and promised to have one at the beginning of the reception. They were over a half hour late to their own reception. The receiving line never happened and they never visited with their guests.

The entire bridal party showed up at the reception absolutely trashed and only proceeded to get more drunk.

It was freezing cold in the reception hall.

Most of the guests were over the age of 45. So of course they proceeded to play hardcore rock at painful volume that prevented all conversation

The wedding cake was cheesecake with frosting on it. It was cut in such a way that it looked like normal cake, everyone was unpleasantly surprised when they took their first bite. (it was not good cheesecake)

The bride got so very drunk that someone tied a balloon to her bustle and she never noticed.

She also had a sobbing fit all over my mother about how glad she was that my mom came. She had never met my mother before.

Most people bailed about two and a half hours into the reception after the cake was served.

Image credits: Zukazuk

#52

Small town Wisconsin wedding – the brides dress was off-rack, untailored and showed off all her cheap, scratch tattoos. The ceremony itself was a s**t-show, the flowers were plastic and from the dollar tree, and half the groomsmen were either high as a kite or so hungover they were still drunk from the night before. The reception was in the back room of local bar and after the ceremony the mother of the groom asked me and another one of the grooms men’s girlfriends to go decorate the “venue”. We had less than an hour to make this dirty, dark room presentable with plastic table cloths, paper streamers, and glow sticks. The food was Wal-mart fried chicken, biscuits, and instant mashed potatoes. The bride got smashed but the groom had to stay sober because he had to drive them to their honeymoon flight, which left at 3AM and was at an airport almost three hours away.

#53

Years ago, one of my friends had her wedding reception at the Elks Lodge in town. There was room at the venue to host more than one event at a time, though parties would have to share the same common areas, like bathrooms. The other wedding party was super trashy. Bridesmaids crying on the staircase up to the bathrooms, wedding party and guests alike doing keg stands, and a fistfight culminating in a visit from the cops.

#54

My cousin got married 4 days after her 18th birthday to a dude she knew mostly from a distance. There wasn’t enough food at the wedding. Seriously, the serving sizes were appropriate for toddlers. Everyone there was depressed AF, because we all knew she was making an epic mistake. The vibe was more funeral than wedding. The groom who is lily white decided to enter the reception via breakdancing. There wasn’t any booze, because 18 year olds. Everyone kept leaving to go outside and slam beers in my uncles car. It’s been over a decade and I still get all cringy thinking about it.

#55

My best friend got married to a VERY pushy bridezilla. I was the best man. At the rehearsal dinner, she tried to shave my head because it was “distracting people from her.” I didn’t have an overly odd hairstyle either. My hair was in a shoulder length pony tail because my fiance had requested I grow out my hair for our wedding which was one of her life long dreams (who dreams of marrying a man with a ponytail?) Anyway, the wedding itself wasn’t that bad, but the bride was intolerable. During the reception, the wedding party got to go get food first and they had an excellent caterer who did amazing BBQ. The bride gets to the Tri-Tip first and grabs a bottle of ketchup and covers the whole tray with it because that’s how she liked it. Then during the speeches, she lets her maid of honor give her whole speech, but when it comes time for mine, she just yells out “This is boring, lets dance” over and over. I cut my speech short to keep my friend from getting chewed out later and the dancing starts. Her best friend was having fun dancing and not really caring how she looked when Bridezilla comes over and starts screaming at her for ruining the dancing. She then went and locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out for hours. I talked to my best friend and he told me it might be best if I left. A couple weeks later, I’m helping my best friend with some work around his house and Bridezilla comes out and says “Thanks for ruining my wedding, I should bill you for the therapy I’m going to now.” things only got worse for my best friend over the 5 years they were married. By the end, if he spoke to any of his friends, she would start a 3 day argument about how he wasn’t dedicated enough to her. The final straw was her taking him out on his birthday and then leaving him at the restaurant when he got a text from his dad saying happy birthday. He ended up waiting 2 hours until someone could give him a ride home.

#56

Let me try…

Best man drives drunk ~3 hours home night before wedding.

Bridesmaid secretly jealous of bride/ has hooked up with groom before.

Same bridesmaid brought a guy she met on tinder that day to the wedding met and drove ~5 hours together to attend.

Same bridesmaid sent snapchats of her vagina during (yes during) the dinner reception to tinder date. Tinder guy then talks/shows it to everyone at his table.

Same bridesmaid & Tinder guy curse out bride as they drive home after drinking all night.

#57

I wasn’t born but I was technically ‘there’. My parents had a shotgun wedding when they found out I was on my way. There was no proposal or engagement ring, and the big day was planned from start to finish in 3 weeks. The bride wore a bleached prom dress and arrived in her SIL’s white Nissan Micra with ribbons Sellotaped on. They spent £400 on everything and you know what? It turned out just fine and they’re happily married after nearly 2 decades.

#58

It was the bride’s third wedding, but there was no bar or toast at the reception because she wasn’t 21 yet.

#59

I mean, this might count? My cousin had her wedding at a public park, the officiant was our other cousin who had just turned nineteen and got the one time license to wed a week before. The wedding had a Star Wars theme and they wanted the officiant to wear a Darth Vader get up but she wouldn’t. Then midway through a bunch of people showed up to the (reserved) Park and started LARPing and sword fighting, not to mention the high school students running through the ceremony while they were training for track.

#60

This was recent:

A friend got married to a Vietnamese woman. He mentioned offhand that he had to be careful with how much liquor he supplied to the wedding because apparently her side of the family has some issues with drinking

What I didn’t realize this meant was that:

The father of the bride didn’t show to the reception because of “a personal emergency” (read: drunk)

The brother of the bride showed up in a vinyl jacket and jeans, proceeded to get fall down drunk off maybe 1/4 a bottle of brandy (dude was maybe 120lbs), and attempted to molest several of the groomsmen.

It wasn’t redneck trashy but damn if he wasn’t kidding about the drinking problem

#61

My cousins daughters wedding, hands down.

They had it at a run down VA hall where the door opened to the street separated by only a sidewalk. That was kept open all night so you could hear cars whizzing by the entire time.

There was no catering or food service, it was food people brought in crock pots and stuff. There was no rhyme or reason and everyone rushed the tables at once, including the bride and groom, outdoor casual picnic style. That wouldn’t have been TOO bad but there wasn’t nearly enough for everyone, so some people got little or nothing.

There was no DJ or even a sound system, so my uncle just played music on some tinny portable radio thing. It was horrible.

I don’t even remember if there was a photographer or anything, or even cake to be honest.

I COMPLETELY understand keeping weddings on the down low price wise, but damn.

I don’t think the couple made it a year either, so it was a waste for all involved.

#62

The trashiest wedding I ever went to was my cousin’s. Me and my brother had to be ushers but we werent told about it until about 20 minutes before guests started arriving. We tried to help older women to their seats but it was a small wedding and it didnt really matter too much.

The best part though was that they didnt have any music ready or anything so when the bride (my cousin) was going to start walking down the aisle the groom cued up “Here comes the bride” from YouTube on his phone connected to a bluetooth speaker. When she started walking down, they hit play and it started playing a Netflix ad over the speaker. The ad wasnt finished playing until after the bride finished walking up.

My cousin walked down the aisle to a Netflix ad.

Edit: a few more things from the wedding. The bridesmaids were all super…rough looking, like some were missing teeth even though they were in their early 20s. Their dresses were the shortest dresses I had ever seen and you could see two of their asses while the ceremony was going on.

The groom had a pretty decent speech at the reception but then my cousin’s speech was horrid. She would not stop taking about her ex boyfriend and how she had always thought she was going to marry him but she was pleasantly surprised to find someone as good as him to marry instead.

At one point during the reception I went out to my car to get something, I saw the entire wedding party smoking weed behind the venue including the bride and groom.

#63

I was at a punk wedding in some village. The groom had a suit, she had a white dress. But they both had some high heels like Steels or Martens. After the ceremony and some usual wedding things, there was a punk-rock concert with several bands instead of some regular wedding band playing dancing stuff. It was all outside and it was raining. Mud everywhere. I was playing guitar in one of those bands. It was cool and fun, but I guess it could be considered trashy.

#64

This was a friend of my ex’s, so I really don’t know how they met. But he was a truck driver in his 50,s and she was a 30 something year old stripper. The flower girl was the bride’s daughter from a previous relationship. They had a ceremony at a local church which wasn’t too bad. Actually pretty nice church. But the reception was at an Old country buffet. The trashy part was the families of the bride and groom. It was just a rowdy crowd. And some sort of altercation broke out towards the end that made me fear for my life. I was 18. They divorced a few months later.

#65

This was this past summer in Mississippi: My girlfriend’s aunt was getting married for the third time to the cousin of her second husband (who I’m pretty sure was in jail at the time). The location was one of those roadside churches you pass by in bumf**k southern states. We arrived five minutes before the event only to find out the bride wasn’t there yet, and was still getting ready in her hotel room. When she did pull up in her sister’s car she quickly put out her cigarette and rushed into a private room and put her veil on. The wedding then began. It was a small service and lasted about 30 minutes, including 3 separate times where a different country love song (not sure what they were) would be played over the PA system and the bride and groom would just stare at each other awkwardly. When the service was finally over we convened to church’s kitchen for boxes of Wal-Mart fried chicken and Mountain Dew.

#66

Ex-Boyfriends’ Aunt is getting re-married to the nephew of her ex-husband. I begrudgingly tag along only to find out that we’re heading into the nearby, run-down, neighborhood. Y’know, the one across the tracks type. We enter into this HOUSE, and there’s a makeshift arch in the “living room” surrounded by a s**t ton of lawn chairs leaving a pathway to what I figured out was the backyard. The arch will be the only decoration.

Halfway through the ceremony my ex leans in to tell me that they went and got the ole’ pastor out of the nursing home to have the service because he was a good family friend, disregarding the fact he had dementia- and may, I don’t know, FORGET how everything goes.

After that was done, the couple made a short walk into the backyard while we all tried to file into the kitchen and dining room to wait for them to walk back in. The home made sandwich platter looked decent enough, but the fog of cigarette smoke kinda’ killed my appetite for anything. Oh, I didn’t mention that no one quit smoking through this whole entire ordeal? Yeah, they didn’t.

I must add in at this point that these weren’t “poor, lovely souls.” They were ex/current meth heads/drug users and there were more than enough attendees to contribute to the, “my craziest time in jail” talk. The groom also had a decent job but they were always squandering their money somehow cough drugs cough to leave them broke until the next pay-day. It was like something out of a biography for the Great Depression except this was 2015.

#67

I’m a wedding videographer and been to my fair share of weddings over the last few years. Haven’t seen any insane s**t shows but one was cringey as s**t. This couple was able to have their wedding in the backyard of a mansion. The groom was the top accountant for the owner. It was by far the most impressive looking wedding we ever done. The yard alone cost 50k in upkeep for it. Ceremony was fine and the reception was inside of this golf club resort. Inside the bar was in a separate room from were the reception was at. After speeches and dinner the entire wedding party including the bride and groom went to the bar and never left. They never went around to talk to any of the guest but just sat at the bar the rest of the evening. My partner and I had no idea what to film cause everyone just looked bored and confused in the reception. It was a huge f**k you to all their guest.

#68

I was at a demolition derby and a couple got married on the track.

#69

I worked at a little mom n’ pop frozen yogurt/deli/coffee place when I was 16. I often closed the place and did the till, and there was a woman about 30 who often worked that shift with me. She was getting married and asked me to be a bridesmaid, which was weird enough given we were just co-workers and had no personal relationship outside of work, given the big age gap.

I go for a dress fitting. The dress was FULL ON COTTON CANDY PINK TAFFETA, TEA LENGTH FULL SKIRT WITH HUGE PUFF SLEEVES AND LACE DETAIL SWEETHEART NECKLINE. No, this was not in 1982, but the dress came from there, no doubt. It was horrific. But I go along with it.

The week of the wedding she tells me her maid of honor can’t make it to the wedding any more, so now I’m her maid of honor.

Her 16 year old co-worker is now her maid of honor. She also takes time to show my some underwear she bought for her husband-to-be with an elephant on it and a hole cut for…

We met to have our hair done by a family member and I was given a comedically huge pouf. The bride’s hair was a fuzzy mess.

There were maybe 20 people at the wedding in this large Presbyterian church. Reception was in the church lobby with some coffee and Safeway cake. There is a photo somewhere with me in that dress I wish I could find to share the misery, but this photo captures the spirit.

Image credits: WhiteSuburbanKid5

#70

The bachelor party involved midget tossing in Niagara Falls.

The reception was at DragonFly night club with a rented booth and a bottle. Bridge and Groom were dating for 8 months.

They are happily married with 3 kids now..I didn’t see that coming but I am thrilled that it worked out.

#71

It was in a parking lot. Groom and his boys all had camo tuxedos on. Groom got trashed and threw up everywhere.

#72

They were trying to save money, so they let a cousin DJ. Not a terrible plan. Cousin uses Spotify, again, not a bad decision… except he didn’t even shell out $10 for Spotify premium, so before every 3rd song was an add that the cousin was either too stupid or lazy to mute.

#73

I was the maid of honor.

Groom-to-be lost his job about nine months before the wedding, so they ended up moving in with his parents. Then they decided to have the whole wedding at his parents’…”estate”, which was over an hour from any named town. Even though my friend had moved well over three hours away from me, I still made every attempt to help with decorations, food, planning, etc. My friend brushed off all of my attempts, saying that it was all covered.

Day of the wedding arrives. Nobody had bothered to tell any guests coming from a northern direction that a bridge was closed, leading to nearly everyone being around 45 minutes late to both the rehearsal and the wedding. I arrived, carrying my ~$200 dress that the bride had insisted on, to the unwelcome sight of the groom’s party wearing jeans, white shirts (one t-shirt, even), work boots, and a pistol. My boyfriend took our food and my clothes inside while I did the whole rehearsing thing, only to come back out looking vaguely sick with my mother in tow (my dad was the preacher for this thing). It turns out that nobody had bothered cleaning the house. No sweeping, no dusting, no cleaning out the dirty dishes from the sink next to where the food was supposed to be laid out. The only decorations were the dust bunnies all over the floor and the overfull litter boxes spilling their contents in every bathroom.

My mom and boyfriend set to work after explaining the situation and fighting with the groom’s mother to find a broom and some rags, and I set to work on the bride. Again, everyone was late to the wedding, but it didn’t matter because the groom decided that he wanted a haircut as he was walking out of the house to go wait on the bride, so everything was delayed by a further 40 minutes while he took his uniformly-long hair and created a style that can only be compared to Sokka from Avatar. Further, he stopped in to inform the bride that he didn’t want any music played during her walk down the aisle; rather, he wanted to watch her walk down to the sounds of nature (which turned out to be two of their dogs boning).

Finally, the wedding is over and we all make our way back into the house for the potluck, grill, and cake. But nobody had bothered to heat up the grill and all of the food that didn’t have a lid was crawling with flies. The cake looked like it was dotted with chocolate chips from a distance, which was quite lovely until you realized they were moving.

My friend later wondered aloud why nobody had stayed for more than an hour, or why we wouldn’t take home any leftovers.

#74

Went to my friend’s cousin’s wedding as his date. Everything went okay until the preacher opens his mouth. I knew beforehand that the church was Baptist (deep southern Baptist church), but hey free cake and a reason to wear a cute dress. I tuned most of his ramblings out until I heard the word sex. I perked up because really what did I just hear sex come from this old dude’s mouth? Yeah I did. .

He went on to say things like “y’all better not have had sex already. That’s a sin” and “a woman is to be submissive to her husband in all things, even in the bedroom”. I kind of looked at my friend because what the heck is going on? There are literally children here and the bride and groom both look very uncomfortable (they were both shy people). Still not the worst. The preacher then nudges the groom and says something like “bet you guys are going to get started on that baby right after the reception”. The bride looked absolutely mortified and had a deep blush that went all the way down to her chest. There were some other parts where he mentioned sex and what the bible says about it and it was all very awkward. Also it didn’t help that the pastor was this old wrinkled dude with a long and slow southern drawl.

On the way to the reception I asked my friend why they chose that preacher and that it didn’t seem like the couple knew half of what he was going to talk about. The preacher was the groom’s father.

TL;DR- Not really a trashy wedding but trashy preacher. Creepy old southern preacher talks about sex during the wedding, makes couple visibly uncomfortable. Preacher is groom’s father.

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